the post no one wants to write; the post no one wants to read...

K so After reading my last post of the excitement and how happy we were... I hope you all understand my little broken heart. I truly am sad about this, but respect and honor what needed to be done.

Monday night Ruben and I were talking about different things, and one thing lead to another... happened that I live a set of standards that he doesn't believe in (he has not been active int he church for 14 yrs and is now returning; we had gone to church every Sunday together). So on Monday night I started crying and told him that if it came down to choosing between the temple and him, I would chose the temple and I will not compromise my standards. His response was that he understood and he would do what ever it took to be together and he would respect my values...

Tuesday he told me he was ill and we didn't talk much...I went to the temple, and he had work etc. Then Wednesday came around and he was usually quiet. i knew something was up at this point and I kinda knew what was coming... He texted me at about 5 asking when I got of work and said the dreaded "we need to talk."

I got home from work in a panic. Feeling so much anxiety... and just super upset. I knelt down in my room and had a very real conversation with my Father in Heaven. I told him how I was falling in love with Ruben but how I believed in the temple ordinance and needed his help. I told him that if Ruben and I weren't suppose to be together, to make it OK some how...

I got up and still felt really anxious.

I saw him walking up to my door and I popped my head out. He was clearly upset... visibly shaking and honestly looked awful. I grab his arm and asked if he wanted a hug and he said no. THE SECOND I SAW HIM ALL OF MY ANXIOUS FEELING WENT AWAY. I was completely calm. Completely.

He wanted to go talk somewhere else so we went to my car (with full intentions of going somewhere else but I didn't even start the car before His mouth started going)

He started by telling me he couldn't' go to California. That it wasn't right and he felt it would be very disrespectful of him to go. He said he doesn't know if the church is true or not but chances are that He won't ever go to the temple. He said he felt like it was better to call off the relationship now rather than get more feelings wrapped up. He said he's still going to try to get back into church and right now there is too much at risk (my eternal salvation) that would sway his decision and that he need to chose separate and alone. (all this said with tears streaming down his face)

I feel he's right. He needs to figure it out. at the moment, I was actually really nice to him and told him I understood and that if he needed anything I would always be here for him. I told him he was a jerk, but that he has to be true to his feelings...
***Today is the day after and I'm so upset. I miss him, his mom sits like 3 ft away from me. She came in and we had a good cry. My heart hurts... and I can honestly say I hurt now more that when I have called it off with any other guy... ANY other guy. (that's a big statement) I felt so safe with Ruben and respected, and we are so great together. I HAVE NEVER CRIED OVER A GUY BEFORE. and I think this is the first time a guy broke up with me.

That's the story, I don't want to talk about it, and I still have a little seed of hope in my heart. I'm grateful my prayer was answered, the worse would have been me say something hurtful and he use that against the church in the future. I felt lifted up and straightened, and I know that my Father in Heaven has me in his little hand. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have.